It’s a strange feeling – a feeling of an out of mind experience. Going on a road of self imposed exile, shutting yourself off from the outer circle of your world, diligently keeping the tunnel vision of erasing a past that had left scars, takes a toll on your psyche. As normal as it may be to go through a myriad of emotions due to circumstances, I never considered myself the benefactor of the actions of other people in life. I am what I am, and I will be what I choose to be. I will be the master of what may affect me or what may mold my choices.
Experiences in life took me to the edge of despair and fear. A decision that I had made took me on a route of pain and utter disillusionment. And I did not travel alone on this path. My family was drawn into it, some suspecting, and others unsuspecting. We went around the bend blinded to the fact that we may not have food on the table or a roof over our heads. And the set of friends and from more than a dozen years, have suddenly disappeared. It was not a sight worth seeing nor was it a journey worth driving.
When things settle down, the past has more or less being put to rest, and I feel that I can catch a breath, I get scared to the bone! Is it guilt of the past that still casts its shadows on my present? Maybe. Do I consider myself the victim and want to justify my feelings? I don’t think so. If I have the soul copyright to my pain, then when happiness comes, it falls again, into the bucket of my own copyrights. It is absolutely a human right to breathe in the calm after a storm. It is perfectly legitimate to spend time and money on family and self. It is perfectly legitimate to vegetate and not become a couch potato. And it is perfectly normal to be happy and live in the moment of what you have, sans any guilt and what anyone or everyone has to say or feel that they have a right to say!
